[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
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nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.