ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.