Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Tough love is true love
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
time machine? you mean a clock?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok