Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Everything reminds me of my ex
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!