A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
You Might Also Like
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.