[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor