MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Solving a traffic jam
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
bears
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.