what if we kissed on the garfield couch
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a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube