I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
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Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me