I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!