If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
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I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.