“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*