these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Kids: Stay in school.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.