me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
You Might Also Like
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.