SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.