Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
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Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
it be like that