Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.