jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Who’s your best friend?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
That eye roll….
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.