Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Sing it!
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Yup
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes