Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top