Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
You Might Also Like
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
two people or more is called a problem
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too