app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?