Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.