Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
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A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Jesus Christ lmao
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.