Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Well, that didn’t work.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
lmao
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
A completely valid reaction tbh
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free