I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
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Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
meow
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife