Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
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“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
me when the borders lift
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
This cat wants you to take your pills
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.