wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally