Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
You Might Also Like
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…