Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
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*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768