Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
no cat here
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.