My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
…..pretty much.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Mornin
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.