It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
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I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.