I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Thursday Thought.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
british sex workers really pound for pound
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!