Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m not lazy
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Planet of the Apps.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”