When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
not to brag, but mine was free
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.