[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
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i could never be president. im overqualified.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I did not eat the cake…
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box