His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
What
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.