Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
San Francisco has too many rules
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.