My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security