There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
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*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.