[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
What kind of a cult is this?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.