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The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
all bases covered
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe