same bro
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cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I am crying
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.