boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
If snakes were wide
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.