You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Friends that check up on you >
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?