Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.