Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.