Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.