“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
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When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?